Natural fit…is it a thing is a “thing”?? I certainly believe so. It is some of what I have been seeking in all my relationships, especially regarding a partner. I refuse to force myself into believing there is something more there with someone, simply because I am lonely or whatever the fucking reason is I need a woman in my life. The roller coaster of what seems to be unclear wants and desires is about the only consistent thing I can expect in my life and my thoughts towards a relationship.
Recently I found myself on fucking Tinder….another form of entertainment I thought. No, absolutely zero, expectations of it turning into anything other then some giggles and a way to pass the time.
So here we go….profile up…description ….”Seeking someone who doesn’t chew with their mouth open, that can carry on an intelligent conversation, and isn’t a physco”. Asking a lot I understand…but I shoot for the stars dammit! Ran this game for about a week and boom first match. Apparently you are supposed to be cool and not send a message when someone matches you….my bad. That one fizzled out. Must have scared her that I wanted to see if she possessed anything interesting in that brain of hers. No wit, no understanding or appreciation for good doses of sarcasm. Ok…bye bye.
Then comes match #2….ok….”hows it going? What’s something outrageously funny I should know about you?” HA HA HA HA……this is so fucked up what happens next. Little chit chat and seems as though this chick actually has some wit about her and a good sense of humor. Excellent i say! Then here it comes…..actual question she asked me…”So I am going to be direct…you seem very cool and open minded and that you like to have a good time. You are very sexy and would love to hook up with you. I mean I really right now just need to be fucked hard. Only thing is…my husband gets to watch…and would like to be able to be involved with his hands some”….WHAT THE FUCK!!! What does that even mean??? I laughed so freaking hard!! Ummm…no thanks precious….not interested.
That was almost it. Damn near deleted my account…but had to admit that would make for a very interesting story. So a couple days go by. I do some more swiping here and there. Decided one day then to just delete it…logged in…and low and behold…I had another 3 or 4 matches. Send each one a message. Two never reply after a day so they get axed. But one does…and this one wasn’t asking me to fuck her or her husband or dog or any freaky shit. She was bouncing back and forth with great conversation, intellectual, stimulating…fucking refreshing conversation. Quickly exchange actual phone numbers and talk a bit and further build an exciting interest in each other. A date is setup…meet…hugs right away…conversation flows….go back to her house….visit more….go on a walk…visit more….and BAM….I just grabbed her and kissed her. It was ….well….it was….unexplainable. Felt natural….easy….sensual and soft….meaningful. Wowza!
After a 9 hour first date I left for home….thoughts a racing big time! Fucking Tinder of all places…for shits shake!
I had a concert in Colorado I was planning to go to solo. Don’t know why I was so comfortable but I said “hey you wanna go?” She agreed and shit…here we were heading out on a 7 hour road trip. Discussing openly and honestly and at depths that was so refreshing. Everything was great!
Concert kicked ass, conversation and people watching also incredible. So we head to the Airbnb she found. We shower and get settled in. Then it starts…intense kissing and carressing….discovering each others bodies….our smells…how we taste…fucking intense! Incredible moments …..leading to me slowly sliding inside her…she freaking loses it….again…and again…begs me to stop. Flips me over and goes down on me….tremendous oral…fucking orgasmic heaven for both of us. Laying their proud of our efforts…it wasn’t long before i had her on her stomach and was having sex with her again. Hours….of adventures and then we finally fall asleep.
Waking up the next day everything was so awesome. Great conversations, great intimacy,………then it happened…..fucking brain kicks in gear. This brings deeper conversation topics…more detailed….more introspective look at things. And then she asked me….”so what do you really desire….the chase..the courtship of a new partner…the hunt…the bit of fear you might lose them….or true contentment…monogamy…commitment to a wife…honoring all aspects of the vows.”
Well shit…..made me think. Yes I love getting to know new people….not necessarily describing it as a chase but a journey. Learning about someone new…their passions wants and desires. You all are like well shit man you can have that in the way that doesn’t have to be sexual. I suppose that is very true…friendships, coworkers, etc. but I am talking about that journey learning about someone when you desire them sexually. Ascetically they do things to you. You want to experience knowing them not just intellectually, but how do they kiss…their sensuality, ….their passions.
So I don’t know how to answer the woman I took to the concert. I want both of those things…maybe…shit I don’t know. Am I still being to “picky”?? I mean this girl is wicked smart, witty, great sense of humor, intellectual, successful, genuine…fucking everything in the intellectual and maturity department I could ever want…and more. Yet…she smokes…I fucking hate smoking. She brushes her teeth after each smoke but still can taste a hint of it when we kiss. She also is very exotic looking but physically maybe not exactly what my hands and eyes desire.
For shits sake I am a freaking mess on this one. Trying to sort it all out.. …what is right and what is wrong….what do I really want….do I even need to know the answer to that….am I better by myself…………if I don’t figure out some clarity I am guessing I will not get a choice after a while.
Peace out fuckers….enjoy your lovely weekend as I try to figure out if I am sane or not.