Maybe it’s happening?? …or more likely I am just more F’d up…

21231307_10208553436348492_4347841754754948265_nNatural fit…is it a thing is a “thing”?? I certainly believe so. It is some of what I have been seeking in all my relationships, especially regarding a partner. I refuse to force myself into believing there is something more there with someone, simply because I am lonely or whatever the fucking reason is I need a woman in my life. The roller coaster of what seems to be unclear wants and desires is about the only consistent thing I can expect in my life and my thoughts towards a relationship.

Recently I found myself on fucking Tinder….another form of entertainment I thought. No, absolutely zero, expectations of it turning into anything other then some giggles and a way to pass the time.

So here we go….profile up…description ….”Seeking someone who doesn’t chew with their mouth open, that can carry on an intelligent conversation, and isn’t a physco”. Asking a lot I understand…but I shoot for the stars dammit! Ran this game for about a week and boom first match. Apparently you are supposed to be cool and not send a message when someone matches you….my bad. That one fizzled out. Must have scared her that I wanted to see if she possessed anything interesting in that brain of hers. No wit, no understanding or appreciation for good doses of sarcasm. Ok…bye bye.

Then comes match #2….ok….”hows it going? What’s something outrageously funny I should know about you?” HA HA HA HA……this is so fucked up what happens next. Little chit chat and seems as though this chick actually has some wit about her and a good sense of humor. Excellent i say! Then here it comes…..actual question she asked me…”So I am going to be direct…you seem very cool and open minded and that you like to have a good time. You are very sexy and would love to hook up with you. I mean I really right now just need to be fucked hard. Only thing is…my husband gets to watch…and would like to be able to be involved with his hands some”….WHAT THE FUCK!!! What does that even mean??? I laughed so freaking hard!! Ummm…no thanks precious….not interested.

That was almost it. Damn near deleted my account…but had to admit that would make for a very interesting story. So a couple days go by. I do some more swiping here and there. Decided one day then to just delete it…logged in…and low and behold…I had another 3 or 4 matches. Send each one a message. Two never reply after a day so they get axed. But one does…and this one wasn’t asking me to fuck her or her husband or dog or any freaky shit. She was bouncing back and forth with great conversation, intellectual, stimulating…fucking refreshing conversation. Quickly exchange actual phone numbers and talk a bit and further build an exciting interest in each other. A date is setup…meet…hugs right away…conversation flows….go back to her house….visit more….go on a walk…visit more….and BAM….I just grabbed her and kissed her. It was ….well….it was….unexplainable. Felt natural….easy….sensual and soft….meaningful. Wowza!

After a 9 hour first date I left for home….thoughts a racing big time! Fucking Tinder of all places…for shits shake!

I had a concert in Colorado I was planning to go to solo. Don’t know why I was so comfortable but I said “hey you wanna go?” She agreed and shit…here we were heading out on a 7 hour road trip. Discussing openly and honestly and at depths that was so refreshing. Everything was great!

Concert kicked ass, conversation and people watching also incredible. So we head to the Airbnb she found. We shower and get settled in. Then it starts…intense kissing and carressing….discovering each others bodies….our smells…how we taste…fucking intense! Incredible moments …..leading to me slowly sliding inside her…she freaking loses it….again…and again…begs me to stop. Flips me over and goes down on me….tremendous oral…fucking orgasmic heaven for both of us. Laying their proud of our efforts…it wasn’t long before i had her on her stomach and was having sex with her again. Hours….of adventures and then we finally fall asleep.

Waking up the next day everything was so awesome. Great conversations, great intimacy,………then it happened…..fucking brain kicks in gear. This brings deeper conversation topics…more detailed….more introspective look at things. And then she asked me….”so what do you really desire….the chase..the courtship of a new partner…the hunt…the bit of fear you might lose them….or true contentment…monogamy…commitment to a wife…honoring all aspects of the vows.”

Well shit…..made me think. Yes I love getting to know new people….not necessarily describing it as a chase but a journey. Learning about someone new…their passions wants and desires. You all are like well shit man you can have that in the way that doesn’t have to be sexual. I suppose that is very true…friendships, coworkers, etc. but I am talking about that journey learning about someone when you desire them sexually. Ascetically they do things to you. You want to experience knowing them not just intellectually, but how do they kiss…their sensuality, ….their passions.

So I don’t know how to answer the woman I took to the concert. I want both of those things…maybe…shit I don’t know. Am I still being to “picky”?? I mean this girl is wicked smart, witty, great sense of humor, intellectual, successful, genuine…fucking everything in the intellectual and maturity department I could ever want…and more. Yet…she smokes…I fucking hate smoking. She brushes her teeth after each smoke but still can taste a hint of it when we kiss. She also is very exotic looking but physically maybe not exactly what my hands and eyes desire.

For shits sake I am a freaking mess on this one. Trying to sort it all out.. …what is right and what is wrong….what do I really want….do I even need to know the answer to that….am I better by myself…………if I don’t figure out some clarity I am guessing I will not get a choice after a while.

Peace out fuckers….enjoy your lovely weekend as I try to figure out if I am sane or not.

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Midlife crisis??…hell no…just finally figured out what I want!

You don’t know what you don’t know. It takes experiences, time, somehow a way to gain the knowledge to make better decisions in your life….for work, within your parenting skills, friendships, and relationships. I am not picky….I am finally experienced and knowledgeable enough to simply know what I want….what I can tolerate…what I can’t tolerate….and the qualities in a partner that are essential to me.

I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic….kinda sorta…I mean why the hell can’t there be “fairy tale” romances in real life? If both want it and will work on it ….I mean its that simple right? I know I am a very visual person and intrigued by the woman whose eyes smile at me. A genuine smile that naturally appears….not forced onto her face. Someone that exudes confidence…that is sexy as hell! And forget about it if she cannot talk about something other than other peoples shit or mindless crap with no substance. I want to hear about what happened in her day that made her smile, or a moment she found enlightening. Someone I can lay next to and enjoy that moment just as much if we were on a beach with our feet in the ocean….okay maybe the ocean moment would be more enjoyable but you know what the hell I am saying. Excitement when you are heading home knowing you will find a hug and kiss waiting for you. Yep…I don’t think that is to much to ask for or expect.

I know I won’t settle for anything less…..so it may take a while they say….that’s ok…she’s out there looking for the same thing…we just haven’t crossed each others path yet.

I have a shit ton of other things on my mind but that had to get out tonight. Other shit in there I will let fester and grow a bit and see if they are more defined and ready to share tomorrow.

I wonder if anyone will ever read this? I don’t really give two shits if they do or not I guess.

A single silhouette shadow….that’s ok ..right?

Prepare to not understand what the hell I am talking about or what truly is on my mind. However it will be an honest and sincere out pouring of what is being tossed around my thoughts on a given day. Count on numerous grammatical errors, shitty spelling, run on sentences, humor, and foul language.

I am a habitual over thinker and seldom find a time when my mind is idle. As a Dad, entrepreneur, strongly independent, single guy I got a lot of shit to talk about. Also know I transition from one topic to another alot…don’t try to follow along…just follow.

So moving on….I had a wonderful weekend with my nieces in Omaha. Went to the zoo, ate a bunch of candy and just overall just were being awesome enjoying each others company. Driving home though I was listening to a play list on Spotify I through together a week ago.

See I had connected with this girl and found a pretty cool connection. Have like everything in common, super cute, intelligent and can talk about other shit beside mindless idiotic babbling. So stepping way outside my comfort zone i said “why not” let me go meet this girl. It was her birthday weekend and some of her friends ditched her yet she had this room, blah blah blah, .. and so I reluctantly agreed to meet her. What the hell dude why would you be reluctant? Because I am more of a traditional guy. It was awkward for me and intimidating. Would much rather be introduced to someone through a friend or random encounter. We kind of stumbled on each other through a common interest in a Facebook page. So I guess that is kinda random…at least for me anyway it is.

The depth of our conversation was pretty cool and both of us seemed to be vibing on each other. The anticipation was actually off the freaking charts leading up to meeting that Saturday night.

Got the text….”room 215…come on up”. Butterflies and a few shakes…I knock…door opens and she is stunning! Grab her hands and put them around me as I hug her. I could literally feel our hearts pounding!! It was not possible to let go at that moment…we found our lips quickly…and it didn’t stop. We explored every inch of each other for hours….it was sensual, intense, …and fucking delicious.

We giggled and dressed ourselves and hustled out to see if our dinner reservation would still be there…since we were over an hour late! Luckily….they were able to seat us. And that’s when the thoughts started rolling….

As we ordered…she was a little frustrated with the waitress. Waitress couldn’t decipher what she wanted to order as it was a non menu item. I was like ok…it seems a little harsh but hey….just rolled with it. Then this attractive, sexy chick decides to eat. You could not load more onto a fork and fit it into your mouth like she did. Then followed by every bite, every chew with her freaking mouth open. FUCK ME!! I would rather be dropped kicked in the groin then be tortured with someone chewing with their mouth open. Then….then she fires up a smoke. I said “oh wow I didn’t know you smoked? I cant believe I didn’t ask you about that”. She’s like “yeah i smoke but only about a pack a day”. Lovely…just lovely. This really had me thinking Christ almighty I have to find a way out of the rest of this evening and an overnight stay.

It didn’t work….I couldn’t come up with anything nor be honest at this point with her. I felt like hell…”its her birthday…and what kind of a-hole would I be if I said I don’t want to stay because you chew with your mouth open and smoke”. And of course after dinner she tells me thanks for paying for dinner and leans in for a kiss. All I could taste was the Marlboro. No more sensual, sexy, sweet kisses or even the crab raviolli she had for dinner….just Marlboros.

Made it through the night just chilling and talking. Which was cool…we do have alot in common and made conversation flow easily. But….I know what I know…I know what I like….I know what I can tolerate.

Maybe I am petty, maybe I am an asshole, maybe I am strong, maybe I shouldn’t have to settle, maybe I deserve my ideal match, maybe being alone….forever is ok? Maybe I know there is no need to settle for anything less than makes me feel complete, content, satisfied, and happy.

So true to my commitment to myself,..I deserve to be honest with myself and anyone I am with. I shared with her that as much as I enjoyed our time and great conversation and intense physical play time….I wasn’t vibing with her. The smoking thing was a big issue for me. It just didn’t feel right like it did before. You really don’t know what you don’t know until you know it. My honestly appeared to give her courage to be honest. She felt largely the same….so she says. She said it would be difficult dating someone that didn’t drink. No problem…a fun weekend….an amicable ending.

There is likely a reason the type of girl I am looking for is seemingly not out there. Because another guy has her on his arm.

My hope…my thoughts…these tunes on the way home today…reminds me that….she’s out there….as much as I need her….she needs me. Keep open to new encounters….new opportunities to say …”wanna take sappy romantic pictures of our shadows?”….”but hey….you don’t chew with your mouth open do you?”